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| Marriages That Last
Newsletter Fall 2002 A newsletter from Hope Family Services Marriage & Family Learning Center committed to helping couples avoid divorce and to experience the best relationship possible. {This newsletter is sent out by subscription-only members list.} (Click to subscribe). We hope that you enjoy this newsletter and receive value to support your marriage. "Love is a feeling, Marriage is a contract, and a Relationship is work." - Lori Gordon Inside this newsletter:
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1. Anniversary This September my husband Ron and I celebrated our 31st Wedding Anniversary. We were married at 10:30 am on a Saturday morning in Corvallis, Oregon. We missed most of our reception because the church staff packed up early so they could get to an Oregon State football game. This past August 31st our youngest daughter Grace was married, her father performed the ceremony. No one cut the reception short. A wedding is like giving birth to a marriage. A marriage develops, grows, experiences the good, the bad, the ugly and the wonderful. But it has to be valued, honored and driven by commitment, as it becomes a marriage for a lifetime. As I watched my daughter walk down the aisle I remembered my walk those 31 years before. I realized anew how precious the marital relationship is. I look forward to celebrating more years with the love of my life and pray my daughter will someday celebrate her 31st anniversary. Blessings, Shelia "My beloved is mine, and I am his." Song of Solomon 2:16 2. For most people, divorce doesn't solve problems Sally and Paul, married 45 years, are in Greece celebrating their 70th birthdays. They behave like young lovers, caressing each other with little notice that others are watching. They have lived frugally and invested well for this stage of their lives. They care tenderly for each other and for family and friends, having learned to listen well. It was not always so. Forty years ago, Paul spent most days and evenings in his lab, establishing himself as a research scientist. Sally stayed in their small house with three energetic boys, feeling as though her brain were turning to mush. Both were desperately lonely. Paul had affairs. Sally was bitterly angry. They invested a small fortune in counseling. Their misery lasted 10 years until Sally went to graduate school. Was it worth staying together? Their answer is, "Without a doubt, yes!" In fact, the lessons learned from their suffering have enhanced their lives. In my 31 years as a marriage counselor, many unhappy people have asked, "Should I get divorced?" People usually get divorced because they think they will be happier. Analyzing data from the National Survey of Families and Households, Linda J. Waite, Don Browning and other researchers reported in "Does Divorce Make People Happy?" that most people who get divorced are not happier, even five years later. Age, race, education, income, parental status and the person's normal happiness did not account for the results. The exception is the 21 percent of people who divorce because of a physically violent relationship; they felt relief after divorce. Even more startling, two-thirds of unhappily married adults who stayed married reported that they were happily married five years later. And the couples who were the most unhappy and stayed married had the most dramatic turnaround; 78 percent of them went from very unhappy to happily married in five years. The researchers collected stories about why they stayed and how they turned their marriages around. Many were motivated to stay because of commitment to personal, practical and moral considerations, not marital happiness. People were deterred by the high financial cost of divorce. Almost half of women with children become poor after divorce. Many wives stayed for the benefit of the children, but did not think marriage was necessary to being a mother. However, many men saw marriage as essential to their participation in their children's lives. Fathers were concerned about what might happen to their children with other men coming into the home. They saw divorce as a worse alternative to an unhappy marriage. People found renewed marital happiness in three ways: They simply waited for time to pass. One wife said, "Just ride it out, and try not to bitch so much." Eventually, jobs, children or situations improved. They worked on their marriages, often with the help of family or clergy. Helpers often pressured men to be more attentive and communicative. Men, more reluctant to seek help, often preferred clergy to marriage counselors because they did not trust that counselors would support the marriage. In fact, unhappy wives and husbands wanted assistance from someone who believed in their marriage, not a neutral party, as many counselors tend to be. Unhappy individuals changed their lives rather than the marriage. Happiness with the marriage improved when spouses invested in a career or developed interests and friendships outside the marriage. A psychologist cannot predict what will happen to you if you divorce or stay married. However, here are the odds of finding happiness in marriage: Divorce can improve your situation if you are in a physically violent marriage. If you are unhappily married, you have a 66 percent chance of becoming happy if you stick out that marital speed bump compared to a 20 percent chance if you get divorced. If you were happily married five years ago, as three quarters of divorcing people report, you may be in for a dramatic decrease in well-being after divorce. Chances are that staying married is more likely to make you happy than divorce. Article by: Sandra G. Bender, executive director of the Marriage Coalition based in Cleveland Heights. 4. Support Group for People Recovering from Cancer(Free) This group is for cancer patients, family and friends. Thursday, October 10, 7:00pm-9:00pm and Thursday, November 14, 7:00pm-9:00pm at Courtyard Fountains, 1545 SE 223rd Ave, Gresham, OR. For information call 503-667-1435. 5. Prevention and Relationship Enhancement (PREP) Workshops are one-day courses where premarital and marital couples explore their relationship in a safe environment. Topics explored include: Relationship Danger Signs, Communication, Commitment, Forgiveness, Spirituality, Fun, Friendship and Sensuality. The workshop is presented in an educational format. NEXT Workshop: Saturday, November 16, 2002, 8:30am-3:30pm Portland, OR. Cost: $135.00 (materials and lunch included). Couples can register by calling 503-667-1435, or online at www.hopefamilyservices.org. For more information email: counselor@hopefamilyservices.org. 6. Keeping Love Alive! Workshop Transform your relationship in a day! Keeping Love Alive offers the skills and techniques for changing your relationships into positive and healthy ones. Workshop is scheduled for October 19, 2002, 9:00am-3:00pm at Courtyard Fountains, 1545 SE 223rd Ave, Gresham, OR. Pre-registration required. $120 couple; $95.00 individual (materials and lunch included). For information call 503-667-1435. 7. Free Teleclass-Managing Your Holiday Moods Do the holidays sometimes seem overwhelming? Do you struggle with all the demands of family, work and high expectations during the season? The Free Teleclass will give you a simple practical approach to having the Holidays of your dreams. The Teleclass will offer the same benefits of an in person seminar with the greater convenience of attending from anywhere you might be. Date: Tuesday, November 5, 2002, 7:00pm-8:00pm (pst). All you need is a telephone. Pre-register at www.pathwaycoaching.com. |