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 Christian couples can be role modelsBy Ron D. Borden Love...is patient...love...never gives up...and always perseveres. - 1 Cor 13:7 "Nothing has the potential to make us more miserable or more ecstatic than marriage..." - Dean Edell, M.D. "...To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith." What powerful words we exchange on our wedding day. I wonder if in the midst of all of the lavish decorations, beautiful flowers, expensive dresses and nervous glances between bride and groom, did we really stop to realize the tremendous commitment these words carry? A simple look at the statistics of divorce in our country would indicate that the lasting effect of these words is somehow missing. What is it that happens to "perfectly happy" couples after they walk back down the wedding aisle? Recent U.S. government statistics indicate the divorce rate in the United States is at an all-time historic high. It is now estimated that over half of all first marriages will end in divorce (the rate for second and third marriages is even higher). In 1995, there were about 2.4 million marriages and 1.2 million divorces. The average marriage lasted less than seven years, and nearly two out of 10 marriages ended before the third anniversary (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1995). |
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I don't know about you, but I find these statistics staggering. What I find even more disappointing is that the statistics have also clearly demonstrated that the rate of divorce is the same within the church as without. A recent sociological study reported: "There is a rapid decline in marital satisfaction during the first five years of marriage, and a slow decline for the rest of marriage." Somehow I don't believe this statement is reflective of God's design for marriage. Paul wrote, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery-- but I am talking about Christ and the church." (Eph 5:31-32) Oneness and permanence is what Paul is talking about in the passage from Ephesians. God takes marriage very seriously, and designed it to be permanent and satisfying. I believe couples that marry really want to be happy and to develop a deep and lasting friendship with their partner. In fact, on any given day, around 90 percent of couples say they are happy in their marriage, yet the divorce rate is over 50 percent. How can this be? I don't believe couples start out in a relationship planning to experience the searing pain and destructiveness of a broken relationship. Those doing marital research at the University of Denver suggest that marital breakdown is often like the build-up before a mudslide. Years of erosion underneath the ground's surface can go unnoticed -- until that final rainstorm hits. Then the whole hill comes sliding down. Research suggests that a significant number of married couples experience serious marital conflicts early in their relationships. It also indicates that few engaged couples successfully anticipate the conflicts they will encounter in their marital relationships. Further research has found that a child's general adjustment capabilities in life are directly correlated to parental conflict observed or not observed. Many couples do not have the communication skills necessary to resolve conflicts in healthy ways. This underscores the need to assist couples who are preparing for marriage as well as those who are experiencing marital difficulties. The impact of conflict behaviors greatly influences quality of life for couples, children, families and society in general. Shattered wedding vows and broken commitments are strewn all around us. Marital researchers give us hope. For the vast majority of couples, marital education will greatly improve their marriages. And when we add to this a spiritual component there is hope even for the couple on the brink of divorce. I, along with numerous others in the Marriage Education movement, believe that marriages can be saved. Even couples that have been devastated by infidelity can renew their love and restore their marriage. As Christian couples we should be role models for the rest of society. But in order to be that "beacon on a hill" we must first take care of our relationship and ourselves. We may need to confess how we have contributed to the breakdown of our relationship; receive and give forgiveness; and return to the love that we once knew in our relationship. I encourage all couples to become educted about their relationship. Learn the skills that will protect you from divorce. Enhance the good things of your relationship. Take as many marriage courses as you can. Seek out marriage retreats. Receive some relationship coaching and if needed obtain some counseling. The marriage-mentoring program is gaining momentum. If your church is not involved encourage them to become involved. Nothing is as precious and rewarding as a healthy, happy and loving marriage. Your marriage can be an example to other couples. Learn the skills. Loving one another takes work. And with the skills and the grace of God you'll experience a joy you never thought possible. Ron Borden is director of Hope Family Services Marriage & Family Learning Center in Gresham. His wife, Shelia, LCSW, CSW, is the clinical and educational director. Together they provide relationship education workshops using Christian Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (CPREP) and "Keeping Love Alive!" Seminars, individual and couples counseling, church consultation and private coaching. |